I just went through a whole bunch of old posts on here and, my God, I'm a mess. Well, I was. I'm hesitant to say this, but I'm gonna go out on limb and say that I know what general direction my (academic) life is heading. That's a relief, but I still have to apply to grad schools, which will be a whole different mess I'll have to deal with eventually. I've already managed to put off graduation for another year just to give myself more time to think and explore. I think it was a beneficial decision. The real point of this post was to let out this ball of emotion that I've been holding in for a long time. Don't worry, it's nothing new or profound - just typical me about to blurt out ridiculously silly feelings about a particular guy in my life.

This is by far the weirdest friendship I have ever experienced. If I told someone outside of my closest friends how we met, I think their reaction would just be priceless. Believe me, I'm a proud geek/nerd/whatever you want to call it, so I'll just say it here. I was playing Halo on xbox Live with Brian one night last May. This guy and I start going back and forth with some crazy, profanity-filled banter. We were on opposite teams so obviously the shit-talking was a part of the "conversation." Then he just stuck with us for a couple of games. Then he added us as friends on Live. We'd play with him and a friend of his sometimes. Somehow we ended up Facebook friends after some time. We would exchange witty and snide comments on each other's walls like normal friends do. Months go by and we're texting each other. Then, shortly after the number exchange, we Skype for the first time... for about 2 hours.

We talk a couple more times. And then some more. In my head, I'm wondering where this is going - the guy lives in GA for crying out loud. All of a sudden, I can feel my heart skip a beat when I see him name pop up on my phone, Twitter, Facebook, anywhere. I'm thinking about him, if he's thinking about me. We are always open with our feelings, which happen to be mutual. And then I begin to panic. What in the world am I getting myself into? This is basically a set up for disappointment with a track record like mine. I'm so cautious with every word I choose. He constantly reminds me that I can essentially do no wrong, not to be afraid, to be confident. I just keep thinking, "Something as insane as this WOULD happen to me."

Here comes the cheesy part: The thing that really gets me is that he asks how I am or how my day was because he really does want to know. He listens and cares. It's something that's been foreign to me for a long time now, so it's oddly unnerving for me. Sometimes I'm skeptical that this is actually happening, that everything he says is true. He told me a while ago that he wants to know everything about me. He doesn't want me to be afraid of being confrontational with him. He wants me to be honest with how I feel and not be afraid to express it. He wants so many good things for me. Well, he wants ME, which is shocking enough. I hate that I can see myself falling for this guy that I have yet to meet in real life. How could I not though? He is so charming, funny, witty, attractive, and caring. He is dedicated to things that are important to him. He's sweet... so sweet. Ugh. He calls just to talk for a few minutes. He makes silly and corny jokes that get me every time. And he's heard what I'm like when I play video games, which isn't exactly me at my best and most polite, and he's still around. When we talk on Skype I can't help but just look at him and smile until my face hurts. Not for any particular reason, just the fact that he's there.

But seriously, what am I doing? Goodness. This guy has got me wrapped around his finger without even trying.

It's funny how much things can change in such a short period of time, at least from my last post.

It has taken me an extraordinary amount of time to feel happy and worthy of something better. I've been so scared to open up and let people in because I don't want to feel judged or be considered some kind of emotional burden on someone other than myself. Then, out of no where things start to look up. It's amazing how quickly someone can turn your life around without even trying. God, I still can't believe how easily I let him into my head. What shocks me even more is that he wants to be there.

I really don't want to screw this up.

I'm afraid that someone is going to think this about me... again.

It isn't true, and it hurts to know that there are people who believe it.

I AM a person. I am more than someone who deals with anxiety and depression every day. I am more than the medication that keeps me going every day. I am more than the stigma that is placed on those of us who have any mental illness. It doesn't make me the person who I have become.